Hey there. Yesterday got kind of weird huh? Sorry about that. Let’s ignore that little rant and just focus on the simple things in life, like a monkey knife fight.
Things start off at some sort of awards ceremony called the Springfield Pride Awards, which seems to give random awards to average people in town. Is that a thing? I don’t think that’s a thing. Anyway, it’s hosted by Kent Brockman and Brittney Spears, and the whole damn town is there to check it out. And it seems like everyone is getting awards. Everyone except Homer. He hasn’t won anything, and is getting pretty bitter about it.
But this isn’t going to be an episode about Homer trying to earn an award, so things pivot to the final award, for the town’s oldest citizen. So a rickety old man named Cornelius Chapman heads up to the stage to win his award, and promptly has a heart attack after Brittney Spears kisses him. At which point Kent Brockman pushes him out of the way and starts asking the crowd who the next oldest person is. And after some elimination, it turns out to be Mr. Burns. So Burns wanders up, thinks about reading Chapman’s acceptance speech before realizing it’s too sappy, and just walks away with his award and the knowledge that he’s the oldest person in town.
And this knowledge isn’t really sitting well with Burns. The next day he’s sitting in his office with Smithers, chatting about how maybe he should get a medical checkup. So the two decide to head off to the Mayo Clinic and get Mr. Burns the best medical attention possible. But if they’re going on this trip, they’re going to need someone to watch the mansion. And that’s obviously going to be Homer, which Mr. Burns rationalizes by saying that Homer is due for a good job after all his ridiculous blunders. That’s pretty sound logic.
So Burns and Smithers head out to the Mayo Clinic, and the Simpsons get acclimated in Burns’ mansion. They wander around the place, looking at all the weird extravagances, like infinite beds that can be burnt instead of made and a robotic dressing machine. We also see Bart looking for Burn’s hidden safe, they ride around the halls on bicycles, lawnmowers, and horses, and scratch their asses with giant forks. But things really start to come together when Homer decides that he needs to throw a huge party to celebrate his wealth. But Marge shuts that idea down, and even covers all her bases.
Marge: “No par-tays, no shindigs, no keggers, no hootenannies, no mixers, no raves, no box socials.”
Homer: “Damn! And I look so good on that bike!”
So I guess that plan’s dead.
Meanwhile, we check in on Mr. Burns’ trip, which has plenty of gags itself. He sees the Pope and Fidel Castro talk about farts, complains about having his Social Security Number be 000-00-0002, and gets some tests done. Which prove difficult since he apparently has no blood and his needle can go through his arm like meringue. And in the end, it turns out that Mr. Burns has every disease known to man. But he has a condition called Three Stooges Syndrome where all the diseases are trying to kill him at once, so none of them can do it. Which makes him immortal!
Oh, and guess what? Homer’s still throwing a party. He doesn’t even come up with a justification, he just shows up at Moe’s to buy some beer. Unfortunately it’s a Sunday, and Moe isn’t legally allowed to sell alcohol until 2 pm. Which leaves Homer with no choice but to get all the guys in town to get on Mr. Burns’ yacht and sail out to international waters so Homer can legally buy the beer, and they can drink it. Makes sense!
So all the men in town get on Burns’ yacht and set sail, enjoying the lawless world of International Waters. They get to see some sort of bikini party boat, a cowboy shootout, a bull-fight, and a man marrying his cow. So they obviously get into the spirit and start having a monkey knife fight, which is exactly what it sounds like. So everything’s going great, and all the guys start dancing and enjoying life.
But disaster starts to strike when some pirates come upon Burns’ yacht, and mistake the yacht for a rich homosexual party cruise, and decide to rob them. So the pirates board the ship and quickly round up all the men except for Homer before preparing to steal the boat. But Homer’s not going to go out without a fight! He begins trying to fight the pirates, but that leads to disaster, and he’s quickly overpowered. So all the men are put in a giant net, have their money stolen, and are dropped off the ship to drown. Luckily though, the ball of humans floats, and they’re able to survive! So they get back to Springfield, just as Burns gets back and is impressed with how well the Simpsons did taking care of his house. But hey, one yacht missing and a knifed up monkey isn’t too bad.
What a goofy episode. I’ve been noticing that lately there has been a serious lack of my favorite type of episodes, Mr. Burns episodes. They haven’t been as prevalent, and when they have happened they’ve been kind of lackluster, so I’m thrilled to have a silly episode that’s about Burns, even though he isn’t in it enough. The Burns gags are incredibly solid, especially his justification for hiring Homer as the caretaker, but the rest of the episode is pretty solid too. I love the idea of Homer getting insanely excited about being in Burns’ mansion, and throwing a crazy party, and the idea of him deciding to sail to international waters instead of just waiting a couple hours to legally buy beer is wonderful. Is it an emotional episode? Of course not. But this is some incredibly solid silly Simpsons here, and I fully appreciate that.
“The Mansion Family” was written by John Swartzwelder and directed by Michael Polcino, 2000.